Awesomeness

I'm going to start blogging about my adventures in commuting. I'm probably going to offend people. Oh well. There's just too many random and hilarious, at least in my head, people around not to. They just fall into my memory bank for me later to laugh about.

The first snow of the season always brings out the best in people. By best, I mean the awesomeness in how people freak out. For example, my usual 10 minute drive to work turned into 20. Apparently, hitting your brakes every 15 feet on already plowed roads is a requirement when you're driving an SUV. It's a 4x4... the 1/4 inch of slush on the road isn't going to hurt your car's handling as much as the riced out Lancer behind me accelerating instead of stopping.

Then there's the people on the train. No ma'am, your tiny Victoria's Secret bag does not count as an entire person worthy of it's own seat. Move it, my ass has to sit down so I can check my e-mail. What's that? You're annoyed that I asked to sit there when clearly your lunch requires that much room? Fine, I'll sit up by senor B.O. up there. But at least I got a seat today. Wow, Madame Muffin top up there thinks I'm checkin' her out. Um no, sorry miss. I'm checking out how your arms are quite convenietly and comfortably folded and rested on your roll. How do your pants contain such a monstrosity? Now go back to your food coma after you devoured your McDonald's big breakfast. I'm eager to hear you snore just a bit more while your friends chirp away about how cute it was to see their kids out in the snow. Thank goodness for max volume on my iPod.

Then I get off the train only to have to dodge the wheeled bagged maniacs who think it's necessary to have their laptops and lunches on wheels. Pick it up lazy asses and carry it! Excuse me sir. Could you please not nip at my heels as I walk? I'm having trouble navigating my way around Ms. Can't-walk-a-straight-line-as-if-she'd-just-finished-a-handle-of-Boone's-for-breakfast. Great, she doesn't know how to handle a revolving door either. Oops, my bad, I had no Idea that I was that strong and could have the door behind you hit you, oh wait, that's because you weren't pushing. Again, my apologies. Are we in England? Isn't the right side, no matter if it's the road or escalator, for slower, standing traffic? Man, your conversation about how your new truck has awesome traction totally trumps my need to catch the shuttle that just flew by. Interesting, it's got an extended cab? Awesome. But still, I'd like to get by if your briefcase would, and your svelte physique would so graciously allow me to. Man, those buttons on your coat have the stress capabilities of the hull of any modern aircraft carrier. Ah yes, standing room only on the shuttle. What's that? You want me to move further back? I could yes, but either the guy behind me is going to buy me dinner, or, I'm buying the jolly fellow in front of me dinner. Either way, I'm going to have to be uncomfortably close to someone I'd rather not be. But at least the sidewalks were shoveled. Thus ends today's morning commute.