Firstly, I must address the tourists downtown. Yes, it's a pretty city. Yes, there are a lot of tall buildings. Yes, there are a lot of shops for you to purchase your trinkets and souvenirs. But could you please stay to the right on the sidewalk? Or at least walk faster? The buildings don't move as you walk nor do they change in appearance. Garrett's isn't going anywhere anytime soon so you don't have to stop in the middle of the street to take a picture. Also, your entire family doesn't have to take up the entire sidewalk as you stroll at a leisurely pace. I don't think it's going to hurt you if you walk in a single file, or even two abreast. But the 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 10,000 across just won't cut it. Some of us would like to get our food or get home and not have to stop every five steps to marvel at something with you. We've seen it before. I'm also going to need you to leave your annoying kids at home.
Slow walkers aren't just tourists. Oh no, there are some pedestrians who are just that, pedestrian. Apparently, walking AND talking on a phone causes some persons to advance down the sidewalk at a sloth's pace. "Really? She did not say that!" Does not mean you get to stop abruptly in the middle of the intersection when the walk sign is already flashing 'Don't Walk.' I hope you get hit by the bike messenger next time. Also, texting/e-mailing while walking certainly will impede your journey down the concrete path. So, here's an idea: either pull aside and text, or don't text while walking. Yeah, the 5 people behind you are on pins and needles waiting for you to send that hilarious text to your buddy. And c'mon, really? Cargo pants?
Umbrellas. I think I've ranted about this subject before to people. But downtown is congested already as it is. Throw in a little rain and it becomes a gauntlet. Is it necessary for you to use a beach umbrella to cover yourself from the WATER?! It's only rain afterall, and last time I checked, it wasn't acidic. That's great that you went to the PGA Championship in '99. Your umbrella is so awesome that it takes up half the sidewalk not allowing anyone else to have any room for theirs. You douchebag. And really, you're the only one with an umbrella pops. It's drizzling, meaning that even your wife isn't under it and is covering her face while everyone rushes past you.
Who doesn't love dogs? They're so much better than the allergy sneeze inducing minions of Satan otherwise known as cats.
But dog owners, I implore you. Take control of your dogs! Firstly, isn't there some sort of leash law that requires owners to walk their dogs in public on a leash unless in a leash friendly zone in a park? I don't enjoy it when Muffin over there is growling at me while I'm trying to get a pack of smokes. No, she's not that big, but when the little terror of a dog looks like it's about to go for my jugular, it's a problem. Next, please pick up the poop! Nothing says good morning than a big steaming pile of dog feces to wake you up. This next one's reserved just for the Trixies. If you're too busy texting or talking on your Blackberry Pearl to pay attention to where you and your dog are going, don't walk the dog(s).
The paths in and around Lincoln Park are for both bikes, runners, roller bladers and pedestrians. You and your dog(s) don't get to take up the whole path just because you and Chad are trying to figure out when you're going to hook up next after the bars. Next time, my bike and I won't almost get hit by a car while trying to avoid your zig-zaging path you call walking.
Last one, maybe. To the bums on the trains. Can you not sleep in the trains when it's peak rush hour period? The entire capacity of the car is on one side of the train because you, my friend, stink.
It's taking all my intestinal fortitude, not to mention my sweater covering my mouth and nose, to not vomit. I know you may not actually be homeless and you just have really bad personal hygiene, but good God, if that's the case, take an F'in shower! If you are homeless. I apologize, you probably have bigger things to worry about than our olfactory sense. And also, stop changing cars while the train is moving. The suburbanites are getting really scared when you come into the car telling people you won't leave until someone gives you some help. Getting down on your knees just makes you look desperate, well even more desperate. Oh, and thanks for lugging along the seven bags of empty aluminum cans, they really don't take up much space other than the only open seat on the train.
But hey, on the bright side, the weather's turned crisper, the wind seems to have picked up and the pretty colors are back.
That is until the icy grip of winter comes rolling through and we're miserable again while we dig our cars out. I need a cigarette.
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