I miss...

The lazy days when I REALLY had nothing to do. When I was a kid and all my worries were about what I was going to do that day, fun wise. Like riding on bikes, rollerblading, watching cartoons.

When my parents didn't care, and didn't worry about what I was going to do with my life. They just look at me now in disapproval.

The days when there was something I had to do, homework, practice. Even though at the time they seemed so trivial and so time consuming. I miss the study sessions, and the after practice comradery that occured. Soccer practice, when we just talked about nothing. Ribbed each other about who was going to homecoming or what not.

I miss being just a kid, where my actions had no bearing on my life. When I acted stupid it was just that, me acting stupid. No one cared, I sure didn't. I miss 8th grade when friends would just get together and talk about nothing. We'd drink have a good time. Sure we have those things now, but it seems people are preoccupied with other worldy adult things, like jobs and school.

I miss being able to have a cigarette and having some company, not just on the phone, but like actually having someone there. In the depths of the dark night we'd stare and sometimes it was silent, more often than not it wasn't. I miss that.

Seems as if now it's the real world. Parents on my back about finding a job. It's not as easy as they think. Nothing's as easy ast they think it is.

I yearn to be in my brother's shoes, to star all over again. To see where I could go if I really tried. I see great potential in him. I may give him a hard time and bully his awkward gangly ass around. He'll despise me later hehe.

Random hehe okbye

Bonjour mon amies!

Fun weekend this past weekend. Expensive? Yes, but so worht it.

Friday, picked up Ms. Leynes in Bensenville to head back down to school, again. Got down there went to the Y to get the key from Joe cuz I crashed at his place, thanks dude. Then went to Ian's and had a beer, Ian and I are alcoholics. Then headed to Murphy's, Abby's bad cuz she makes Ian and I eat meat on Friday's during Lent. So then it started, First I bought a pitcher, then Ian, then Abby, and damn it didn't stop 'til close! I was pretty good yo. I think I bought pitchers for Twan and Ading, and Long Islands for Sharon and Fatima, I think, I'm not so sure anymore. After that, headed to Merry Anne's, Ian and I finished our stacks in a minute and three minutes respectively, apparently according to Abby we don't chew. Then dropped some people off at home and headed back to the Babe Lair. Then mine and Ian's buzzin asses drove to apt. 312. Chilled for a bit before heading back to my car and seeing it being towed from the fucking lot! That kinda killed the buzz so Ian and I went back to Reynold's, paid for my car and dropped Ian back off at home. Ian's got some stories by the way. Fool needs to get out of his death circle already haha.

Saturday, woke up hung over as shit. Picked up the fam from Holiday Inn and picked up the tix from Twan at Foellinger, had to detour to pick up a stamp pad for Kris at IUB then headed to Chinatown Buffet. Engaged in a rather animated conversation about the finer points of Donkey Punch, Strawberry Shortcake, Hoover, Tabagon, and my personal favorite Houdini. Then headed back to Foellinger for the show. Good job on the show guys, it looked really good. Sorry if we got annoying hehe. ALEX!!! At intermission class of '98 and the Ansays booked it to KAM's for some mood enhancers. Had some choice grain and hops and some spirits (beer and shots). Buzzed our way back to our seats in Foellinger and saw the rest of the show. Said hi to some of the models then headed to Steak and Shake with the Fam. We're weird you know, if you guys would have seen how we are when all four of us are together you'd understand why Twan and I are the way we are. Dropped the kiddies back off at Holiday Inn and I went with Twan to her apt so she could get ready. Picked up some beer for the pre/afterset at Joe's then headed back to Joe's. I was greeted by a shot of everclear with Sharon, Juvs and Joe, thanks guys, that made my empty stomach feel really warm. Chugged some beers, did some more shots and headed to Canopy. Watched Joe run and say "Titties, Titties, Titties!!!" to beat the line haha. Went inside did some, ok a lot of shots. Sorry Jill I owe you, I didn't notice the staff standing there, all good though Romel, Eric, Nutt, and I drank it for you guys hehe. Went inside and danced, sort of, more like got jacked up and jacked up some people. Got tired, made my lil cousin take over for me hehe. Then headed back to Joe's, did some more shots that totally erased my memory, helped Joe kick out people so we could sleep then headed back to Merry Anne's. Then passed out.

Sunday woke up, hung over again, YEAH ROCKSTAR! Ate at Nitaya's with some peeps, everyone with the exception of Arlene's refreshed face looked hung over. Had some laughs and some pepper steak then headed back home. Passed out and came back to my reality, sigh.

Overall Fun weekend.

Weird...my brother and I are both afraid of the dark, neither of us can fall asleep without the TV on, otherwise our heads our underneath the blankets.

It seems like the snow is neverending here, it just freaking keeps coming. Even when I think it's over, I go outside to smoke and hey look more freaking flakes coming down.

On the upside, Green Machine is fully recovered, internally that is, externally, haha way different story. It does go faster now, and makes less noise.

Job search update: wait there is nothing to freaking update. No experience + No one hiring * Decline in the economy (Me being way too picky)^4 / Way too lazy = PJ still jobless, and looking for alternative means of income. (Street pharmacist, pimp, male hooker, selling my organs, minus the liver and lungs of course)

New CDs: Simple Plan - No Pads, No Helmets...Just Balls
50 Cent - Get Rich or Die Trying
Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970 - 2002
Brian Adams - The Best of Me
Good Charlotte - The Young and the Hopeless
John Mayer - Any Given Thursday

New Clothes: 4 Shirts, yes they're preppy, would you expect anything else? Thanks Mom

New PS2 Games: The Getaway (kinda like GTA, but they're British and they drive on the Left side of the Road
Everquest Online Adventures (for the true dork inside me)

TV Show of the moment: JAG, and those Strongest Man competitions, oh and of course...gotta have my MTV, and ESPN without sports there would be no music, clothes, a shelf would just be a shelf...

I'm random, sorry, okbye

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Because...

things happen.
people change.
in one instant life seems so fragile.
I know now that I'm not immortal.
you may not have a second chance.
nothing is guaranteed.
tomorrow is a dream, yesterday is a memory, today is a gift.
having lives in your hands is a heavy load to bear.
now is all we have.
I wasn't happy with myself.
I'm sorry.
I still have a lot to learn, to accomplish.
life's too short.
friends are the greatest thing to happen.
my family's too important.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE!

I've been doing some self reflection these past two weeks, since that Sunday. About what happened...it still replays everytime I climb behind the wheel, everytime I smoke a cig on my own, when there's snow on the road. Everyone knows what happened by now, scary stuff isn't it? See? Playing video games and enjoying driving in the snow can come in handy. Still life changing. In one instant, one wrong turn, 5 mph slower, and I could've been luckier, 1 mph faster and one wrong turn and I could've been in an Altima or an Integra could've been in my motor. Lucky, we all are. I almost broke down a bunch of times standing on the side of the road, my eyes were watery if you noticed, I couldn't stop shaking. I still shake when I think about it or when people mention it. And yes, I fucked up my car, 500 dollars worth, blew a gasket in my transmission. But it's over now, everyone came out of it OK, my car was lucky. Sharon's car was luckier, we can only imagine what they went through, 540 degrees around and into a ditch. But it's over now, what we do from here is what counts. It gives us a new found lease on life. FAH-Q Ohio, FAH-Q I-70. So from here? Life is uncertain, don't know what to do now. Don't know who I really am, don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself.

The one thing I have realized in my many moments of solitude, mostly when I was smoking by myself on my front porch, was that I wasn't happy with myself. With the person I was. The selfish, self promoting me. Those thirty seconds affected me in a way I never thought I'd be affected. In an instant I didn't know how much I could be scared in losing family in friends because of my stupidity. For stupidly following so close, for driving so fast. If anything did happen I don't think I could have forgiven myself. But that's what these situations teach us. We learn from what has happened to make us better people. And that's what I aim to do. To better myself. To be less selfish, to do better, to do good. Now how I go about this path of new found enlightenment is still hidden, but I will find it and I will be what I truly was meant to be.

So to anyone whom I've ever done wrong, to whom I've made fun of for my own promotion, to anyone whom I've hurt, to anyone I've ever done any negative to, to anyone I've made feel inferior, I truly do appologize, I'm sorry. From here, it's all downhill. And this is what I've been thinking about these past couple of weeks, it's been hard to verbalize what I've been feeling, and it still is, there's much I'd like to say, but can't, because I'm not a person to say much, not a person of many words, just know that you all truly do mean a lot to me, without you there is no me.