Because...

things happen.
people change.
in one instant life seems so fragile.
I know now that I'm not immortal.
you may not have a second chance.
nothing is guaranteed.
tomorrow is a dream, yesterday is a memory, today is a gift.
having lives in your hands is a heavy load to bear.
now is all we have.
I wasn't happy with myself.
I'm sorry.
I still have a lot to learn, to accomplish.
life's too short.
friends are the greatest thing to happen.
my family's too important.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE!

I've been doing some self reflection these past two weeks, since that Sunday. About what happened...it still replays everytime I climb behind the wheel, everytime I smoke a cig on my own, when there's snow on the road. Everyone knows what happened by now, scary stuff isn't it? See? Playing video games and enjoying driving in the snow can come in handy. Still life changing. In one instant, one wrong turn, 5 mph slower, and I could've been luckier, 1 mph faster and one wrong turn and I could've been in an Altima or an Integra could've been in my motor. Lucky, we all are. I almost broke down a bunch of times standing on the side of the road, my eyes were watery if you noticed, I couldn't stop shaking. I still shake when I think about it or when people mention it. And yes, I fucked up my car, 500 dollars worth, blew a gasket in my transmission. But it's over now, everyone came out of it OK, my car was lucky. Sharon's car was luckier, we can only imagine what they went through, 540 degrees around and into a ditch. But it's over now, what we do from here is what counts. It gives us a new found lease on life. FAH-Q Ohio, FAH-Q I-70. So from here? Life is uncertain, don't know what to do now. Don't know who I really am, don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself.

The one thing I have realized in my many moments of solitude, mostly when I was smoking by myself on my front porch, was that I wasn't happy with myself. With the person I was. The selfish, self promoting me. Those thirty seconds affected me in a way I never thought I'd be affected. In an instant I didn't know how much I could be scared in losing family in friends because of my stupidity. For stupidly following so close, for driving so fast. If anything did happen I don't think I could have forgiven myself. But that's what these situations teach us. We learn from what has happened to make us better people. And that's what I aim to do. To better myself. To be less selfish, to do better, to do good. Now how I go about this path of new found enlightenment is still hidden, but I will find it and I will be what I truly was meant to be.

So to anyone whom I've ever done wrong, to whom I've made fun of for my own promotion, to anyone whom I've hurt, to anyone I've ever done any negative to, to anyone I've made feel inferior, I truly do appologize, I'm sorry. From here, it's all downhill. And this is what I've been thinking about these past couple of weeks, it's been hard to verbalize what I've been feeling, and it still is, there's much I'd like to say, but can't, because I'm not a person to say much, not a person of many words, just know that you all truly do mean a lot to me, without you there is no me.